Recently I found myself overwhelmed, cornered by the usual problems that prey on writers and mothers like me: no time to write, no time to think, no time to exhale, no time to be the kind of parent I want to be blah blah blah. I won’t go on because whining is boring and I think I’ve squashed the worst of it now. But I will confess that at one point I did wonder if being a writer was something I still wanted to do. I wondered what it would feel like to stop. Just quit. Forever. I speculated that perhaps I’d feel lighter. Perhaps I’d feel freer with one less thing tantruming for my attention, one less thing to make room for.
At first when I noticed myself slipping into the bog of business I tried lamely to convince myself that I’d be okay without writing for a while. The writing could wait. I asked it to kindly take a seat and wait patiently in the corner. “Please be quiet,” I said. “I’ll be with you later.” But that didn’t work. I continued to feel agitated, pestered by voices and stories wanting to be written. What was worse though was that after a time those voices and stories gave up. No one was listening to them and so neglected and shrivelled those stories lost their true voice. But they didn’t go away. They continued to mew in the corner, prodding me occasionally and making me cranky. Not writing was making me cranky and it occurred to me that giving up writing altogether was maybe the solution.
I wouldn’t have to give up being an author after all. Once an author always an author right? I could probably stop writing and swan around calling myself an author for at least another few years. Big Rain Coming was reprinted again at the start of this year, Littledog came out in paperback in April and My Dad Thinks He’s Funny has just been shortlisted for the Australian Children’s Choice Awards. I could give up writing, still be an author, and have one less thing to worry about.
But it’s not actually about being an author. It’s about being a writer.
The funny thing is that the one time in my adult life when I stopped to question whether or not I could continue to keep writing was a time in my life when I wasn’t actually writing very much. The more I pushed writing away the more trapped I felt.
I’ve written before about my flaky writing process. When I write I feel free. It’s not about making strict rules for myself around word counts and daily hours. It’s about listening. It’s about relaxing and letting my sub conscious work for me. But I think lately my whole self has been too stressed to listen. I need to tune back in. I need to write.
For me writing is like exercise. I’m actually a whole lot happier when I dedicate time to it but after a break it’s extra painful. I procrastinate and make excuses because I know it will hurt. Writing is harder when I don’t engage in it regularly. This post has taken me a week to write. (I’m a slow worker.) But as I’ve written this I’ve been visited by lots of other ideas. I’m listening again, because I’m writing again, and the shrunken mewing stories are regaining their power. And wow. It feels good.
Give up writing. What was I thinking?
Have you ever considered giving up something you love?
Giving Up © Katrina Germein 2011
Tags: Giving Up, The Creative Process, writing
This week hasn’t been a great one for me, I had an anxiety attack on Wednesday and I’m still a little fragile. It was triggered by writing (questions like, what should I work on? Why should I bother?), plus making the interview stage for a job (which I didn’t get in the end), plus other stuff.
I feel free when I write, but these days it takes a long time to get into that lovely headspace. I could blame having children, but that’s hardly fair on them.
I love the distinction you make between being author/writer and I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ll get there too, I’m sure
Oh, same with my blogging. Same, same, same. And I don’t *have* to blog. It’s not like I’m contracted to do so, but sometimes I just think…’too hard’ and ‘not enough time’ etc.
Then something happens and the first thing I want to do is write about it.
xxx
Thanks for your post Katrina. There is great strength to be gained in knowing others – plenty of others! – are struggling with the joys and pain of writing.
Yesterday, while I walked the dog, I listened to Ramona Koval interview Kate Kennedy about her new poetry collection. It was such an uplifting interview, Kate talking about how she came to write some of her poems. Unexpectedly, towards the end of the interview, my eyes filled with tears because what Kate was saying about NOTICING things that she then turns into a poem or story, resonated so strongly with me, BUT I can’t remember the last time I wrote a poem. I’m doing other writerly editorly convenorly things, but it’s a balancing act to be a mum, work, contribute to the community and make time for the writing that injects us with life.
I’m in a similar place- except that I’m about to get published for the first time, so part of it is the soul-crushing busyness that seems to leave no time for writing, and the other half is the spirit-squishing fear of having actual consequence to my writing. As it is, I’ve been finding too many reasons not to write…
Katrina not truer words wrung finally wrung. I hear you. But strangely for me, this new enterprise of blogging as reawakened the dormant desire to write. It is all too time consuming and lets face it a wee bit addictive and non condusive to the real biz but it has induced the erstwhile creative juices to quicken their pace from puddles to meaningful streams. Never give up. Dimity
I was worried when I published this post that I was revealing too much of myself and I thought I might sound silly. Thank you everyone for your honest comments. Thank you for understanding. Karen, I understand where you are. You will find a way through x Aubra, congratulations!
Thank you! you have encouraged me today. I haven’t been writing a whole lot of new stuff lately. I’ve been procrastinating and I’m frustrated. But you are right, when I’m writing regularly I feel free. I must remember that.
There is definitely too much going on in our lives at the moment. Must be a 21st century malady – not helped by the brain-disturbing effects of too much FB, Twitter, emails and txts.
Don’t give up – yes, what were you thinking of??? Just jot those ideas down and let them gestate till you have a really live energetic moment to pursue them. Stress stops the thinking brain working, you know!
I can so relate to what you have written. I love to write nand feel so much better about so many things when I am able to write regularly, but because my writing is largely for pleasure, it is hard to justify making it a priority when there are so many other tasks that I need to do – groceries, cleaning, school reading groups, keeping in touch with family and friends, sleeping etc.
I’m glad that you are finding time to focus on your writing again. I’m trying to clear my life of clutter so that I can do the same thing. I’m hoping that if I make it more of a priority, then doors will open to new writing opportunities.
Thanks for your post. xx
So nice to hear others can relate. Makes me feel normal!
I can absolutely relate, life so often gets in the way and I often think reading, writing and blogging are the things that should go, possibly because they are the things I do just for me. I also must keep reminding myself how much happier I feel when I read and write, thank you for the post
This must be a common question for writers, because it seems like each of us goes through this. Like you, I’ve thought about how long I’d pursue publishing. But you know what? I’m not just writing for publication. I’m writing because it’s a part of me.
I’m glad you’re back on track!
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